Hi Everyone,

Judy and I would like to talk today about something that many moms and dads who have had a child die face in the months that follow that death. It is the inability to do come of the everyday things you and I take for granted.

One of those everyday things is the simple job of shopping for food. Judy and I still have a vivid memory of the day we found ourselves in a local grocery store “shopping.” We remember walking up and down the aisles, and after 20 minutes we only had one item in our cart. When it dawned on us that we just couldn’t make simple decisions I said, “I think we should just go home now.” And we walked away, leaving the cart with our one lonely item sitting in the aisle.

I bring this up for those of you who may know someone who is facing their first, or even their second, Thanksgiving since the death of their son or daughter. As we all know, food is a major part of the Thanksgiving celebration. Traditionally we eat turkey, dressing, potatoes, cranberries, and pumpkin pie. Added to these items are those special “family tradition” items that make Thanksgiving such a special memory for each one of us.

With this in mind, I would like to suggest that if you know of a family that’s facing their first Thanksgiving you might want to consider purchasing their Thanksgiving meal for them. You know - go to the grocery store and pick up the Butterball turkey and dressing and potatoes, and all the fixings so your friends won’t have to do it themselves. But, before you do this, you may want to check and see if they are planning to be home for Thanksgiving? If they traditionally go to grandma’s house, then this might not be necessary. But if they usually stay home, why not bring them the meal. You will want to let them know you’re doing this so it’s not a total surprise.

And don’t be surprised if they say, “Oh, don’t do that.” You see, it’s hard sometimes to just receive from others when we are in need. If they are adamant about you not doing it, then just let it go and realize this is part of their grieving process.

One last thing - don’t be surprised if you bring the fixings and they don’t actually have the meal on Thanksgiving day. They may wake up and just not have the energy to cook a big meal. But don’t let this stop you from reaching out to help them during this time of year.

Grieving is hard work. And the holidays can be so very painful. So please, reach out to your friend or relative today and simply let them know you love them and are thinking of them.

Hey - we love you guys. God bless - Pat & Judy

Hi Everyone,

Judy and I would like to mention an issue that dads often
face after the death of a child. And it can be incredibly painful during the holiday season.

After Mickey died people always asked me (Pat) the same questions when they met me. First they’d ask, “So, how is Judy doing?” And I’d tell them. Second they’d ask, “And how are Jeremy and Jamie (our other two children) doing since Mickey died?” And I would tell them and wait for what I thought would be the obvious third question, “So Pat, how are YOU doing?” But that question never seemed to come. In fact, I can’t remember anyone asking me that question until Mickey had been gone nearly two years.

So Judy and I would like to encourage you not to forget about dad. Dad’s too often suffer incredibly in silence. Our culture expects dads to be the strong, unemotional type that was the trademark of too many movies in the 60’s and 70’s.

But I can tell you from personal experience, a dad’s heart is just as broken when his son or daughter dies as a mom’s heart is. So this holiday season, when you’re reaching out to a grieving family or friend - don’t forget the dad in the family. I can guarantee that the dad you reach out to will feel relief and comfort.

I was recently sharing this with someone who had lost her son and she mentioned another thing she was experiencing since her son died. When she’s been out shopping she has noticed friends or neighbors who see her quickly turn down another aisle or actually turn around and walk the other way so they won’t have to face this mom. You can imagine the pain that adds to her already broken heart.

Maybe you are a person that feel uncomfortable seeing a mom or dad or surviving sibling after they have lost a child because you don’t know what to say. Then don’t say anything. Just stop and give a hug. Or, if you feel you need to say something, simply say, “I have been thinking of you.” That’s enough.

Well, we’ve got to run. But remember - reach out to a hurting person today. Remember, we love you guys. God bless - Pat & Judy

Hi Everyone,

Well I wanted to continue on with some ideas of how to help

grieving moms and dads and surviving siblings during the

upcoming holiday season.

For anyone who has had a child die, the holiday season can be

a time of extreme depression and loneliness. Particularly for the

family who has had a child die within the past year. So what can you

do to help?

One thing that many people don’t understand is the reality that a

parent who has had a child die will many times feel guilty if they

enjoy life. That seems strange, but it is so often true. What I mean by

that is that parents, and sometimes surviving siblings, feel guilty if

they find themselves laughing and enjoying life. Sometimes they will

stop in the middle of laughing and appear to withdraw. That’s usually

a sign that they are experiencing a moment of feeling guilty over

enjoying life. After all, they think, “I have had a child die, I can’t

enjoy life like this!”

Judy and I encourage friends and relatives of the hurting parents and

siblings to simply be patient. Don’t expect too much, too soon. Please

understand that grieving takes time. For many people it takes a L-O-N-G

time. In fact, we have found in working with moms and dads that the

second year following the death of a child is often harder emotionally

than the first year. So if you are a care-giver, please continue to encourage

even after what you might think is a long time. It means so much to the

hurting parent to have continued care and support.

Surviving brothers and sisters often find the first holidays very

uncomfortable. If they are younger in age, they still want to enjoy

everything that the holidays bring with them. They still want to have

the big Thanksgiving dinner with family all around. They still look forward

to celebrating Christmas or Hanukkah. What surprises some people is

the fact that a surviving sibling can express deep grief one moment,

and then announce that they are going out to play with their

friends. This is normal, by the way. It doesn’t mean they don’t care

about the death of their sibling, it simply means that they grieve on

their age level. For younger children, death is a very mysterious

thing that nobody seems to be able to really explain in a way they

can understand. So if you see a surviving sibling enjoying the holidays,

don’t express disappointment to them. Support their way of grieving

with encouraging words.

In our next blog I want to talk a little about ways you might be able

to help struggling moms and dads enjoy the holidays just a bit more.

Thanks for reading, and remember - we love you guys. God bless,

Pat & Judy

Hi Everyone,

Well these are exciting days at SAM. White Tail Lodge is finally

completed and open. We have our first guests registered and are

looking forward to helping them deal with their grief.

The weather here has definitely turned colder. I’m just excited

that the sun is shining today. We’ve been having rain, rain, and

more rain for the past two weeks. We are thankful it hasn’t been

snow!

Speaking of thanks - Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and as

care-givers to people who are grieving the loss of a child, we realize

the “holiday” season can be one of the toughest emotional times for

moms and dads and surviving siblings. With this in mind, Judy and I

would like to share just a couple thoughts on how you can help someone

who has had a child die during the holiday season.

First, let your friends know you are thinking of them in a personal way.

Drop a card via snail mail letting them know they are in your thoughts

and prayers. By the way, it doesn’t really matter how long it’s been since

the parent’s child has died - a card is always welcome.

Next, think of a way you could make a special memory for them. If you

are part of the extended family, or a close friend, chances are you may

have a picture or two of the child who died. If you do, why not have that

picture printed and simply write a note about the picture and drop it in

the mail. We had someone do that for us some time after Mickey died and

it meant so much to us. It also brought a smile as we saw Mickey enjoying

life.

Another thing to remember is that you can’t force a grieving person to

be “happy.” There are SO many emotions bubbling to the surface during

the holiday season. So many memories, both good and sometimes bad.

So give your friend space and time to grieve as they need to, not as you

would like them to.

There are many other things we could share about this issue. And I think

we will in the days ahead. In the mean time, get out that card and drop a

note to someone in need. Thanks for caring, and remember, Judy and I

love you guys. God bless - Pat