Friends,

Imagine if you can, sitting at the bedside of your 22 year old son as his two year struggle against cancer comes to an end. All the chemo and all the radiation couldn’t stop the ravages of cancer. In a heartbeat your son breathes his last breath and enters eternity. Because family has come from far away the funeral is held on a Sunday.

Those of us who have had a child die know what that moment is like. Our entire world collapses. Shock overtakes us and an emptiness that seems bottomless fills our emotions. And even though hundreds of people have come to the funeral, it’s impossible to focus on living.

But now imagine this! Imagine that you know that in just six day the 19 year old sister of this 22 year old son will be getting married. And you are the mom and dad who have to shift emotions from total devastation to outward expressions of joy and happiness. All within a six day timeframe.

That is what friends of ours experienced just last week. For two years they had watched their son fight a battle for which the outcome had been predicted. But he fought anyway, and he fought well.

In the midst of this life and death struggle, love was blossoming in their daughter’s life and a proposal was followed by wedding plans and a wedding date. And let me say right here, the wedding was beautiful, and mom and dad were incredible as they watched their little girl say, “I do,” last Saturday. Surrounded by many of the same friends and family members that had been at her brother’s funeral just days before, this young woman and her husband began a new life filled with hopes and dreams and love.

What an incredible picture of the life and death struggle all of us face sooner or later. Weddings and new births are celebrated – as they should be. Families grow, careers flourish, and plans are made for the future.

But the death of a child stops us in our tracks. There is something very abnormal about such a death. A boy who will never marry. A girl who will never hold her own child.

I guess I’m just rambling today because Alex’s death and Emi’s marriage have simply stopped me in my tracks and reminded me that life is precious, and so are the moments we get to spend with our kids. Don’t waste a single minute. Embrace and love and laugh and cry every chance you get. God bless. Pat & Judy

Hi Everyone,

Judy and I want to share some tragic and exciting news. Nearly seven weeks ago we found out that the baby our son and daughter-in-law are expecting in July would have a profound birth defect called encephalecele. It is a defect in which the brain actually grows outside of the skull. A neurosurgeon who reviewed the ultrasounds of our granddaughter told our son and daughter-in-law that if their baby girl did live to term she would probably die soon after birth. Naturally, we were devastated by the news.

After learning about the news our son’s six year old daughter Maddie asked her mom why the baby had to die and go to heaven? Our daughter-in-law told Maddie that “the baby has a bad owie and Jesus was going to take her to heaven so he could take care of her.” We thought that was a great answer. But Maddie had one more question, “If Jesus is so powerful, why can’t he just fix the baby now so we can take care of her here?” Hmmmmmm.

Now the exciting news. Six weeks after doctors had told our son and daughter-in-law to prepare for the worst another ultrasound revealed a stunning change. I’ll let my daughter-in-law’s own words tell you this part of the story: I am in shock!!! I can’t even think to write this email, BUT our baby is expected to have full survival! The neurosurgeon was able to look at the new images and the encephalecele is mostly fluid. There is some brain tissue in the encephalecele but the brain has all the necessary parts intact. I don’t know what to say, but the first pictures at 21 weeks and now the 27 week pictures are different. The encephalecele tissue is MUCH smaller??? I will still be delivering at Children’s hospital and they will give the baby time to get used to living outside the womb and to eat, poop, etc. Then they will perform surgery to remove the encephalecele. We can expect the baby to be in the NICU for a few weeks and then bring her home. So they gave us a range of a prognosis. The baby is still at high risk to have some cognitive delays. But the range is full cognitive abilities (normal baby) to severe delays. We won’t know until the baby is growing and if she is or isn’t meeting normal milestones.”

We are calling this amazing turn-around, “Maddie’s Miracle.” As you can see, there are still no assurances that everything will be okay, but our granddaughter’s chance of living a normal life went from no chance, to every chance. If you are a person of faith, we would ask you to pray that our granddaughter would be born without any brain damage. She is expected to be born in July.

What a great way to start our week. We want to thank all of you for your support and encouragement. Once again we have been personally reminded how fragile life is, and that in a moment everything can change. Gotta run. We love you guys. God bless – Pat & Judy

Hi Everyone,

Well, Judy and I are pretty excited as we celebrate Smile Again Ministries 3rd birthday. It’s hard to believe that just three years ago Judy and I were at the State capitol here in Minnesota receiving our incorporation papers for SAM.

Now, just three years later we are sitting on Pickerel Lake near Crosslake, MN and Whitetail Lodge is ready to go. It has been quite a journey of faith, sometimes frustration, and fulfillment.

As we talk with people about our journey we can’t help but smile when their mouths drop as we tell them about miracle after miracle.

Imagine looking for land and a building that could be used for our retreat center knowing that we don’t have any money in hand. We only knew one thing for sure, we wanted to be on a lake for the relaxation factor for our guests, and

This is how Whitetail Lodge looked before we began remodeling.

to have room where guests could walk without a lot of distractions. After looking at several properties we found 15 acres of land on Pickerel Lake, with 750 feet of lakeshore. Along with the land was a beautiful building that had a completely empty space where we could begin remodeling for what has become Whitetail Lodge. Oh, did we mention we didn’t have any money when we began our search for the land? But thanks to the faithful donations of friends and strangers we were able to purchase the land (with a mortgage of course) in September of 2008.

Once on site Judy and I began landscaping around the building. A woman in the Brainerd area found out about SAM and donated thousands of dollars worth of perennial plants for what has become our Peace Garden. Volunteers spent a very L-O-N-G October day planting all the plants while a cool drizzle fell. Judy was concerned about whether the plants would survive the harsh winter here, and how many of the plants would actually come up in the Spring. Well, every plant came up in the Spring! Hostas, lillies, irises, ferns, bamboo, hens and chicks, peony bushes, hydrangia, and a flowering crab tree next to the waterfall that Pat built – just to name a few.

This is now the living room and kitchen area of Whitetail Lodge.

Along the way Judy and I have spent countless hours fund raising (our least favorite part of SAM). We have had so many people help in fund raising events, and small intimate get-togethers with potential donors. Many people have become monthly donors to SAM – and to be honest, without this foundation of donors SAM wouldn’t exist today.

Next came the remodel of our building in what we now call Whitetail Lodge. This was another moment where we didn’t know “how” it could be done with the little resources we had in hand at that point. But once again, God moved, and a contractor named Gene White from Verndale, MN volunteered to oversee and work on the remodel at no cost to SAM. Gene, and one of his employees named Bobby Vry, spent weeks and weeks during the summer of 2009 working and overseeing volunteers who came to help them. Another issue in the remodel was wood products for the walls and floors. Yet another man, who happens to be a logger, and his wife heard about SAM and  donated ALL the wood we needed for the walls, ceilings and floors of Whitetail Lodge. Volunteers came in to paint and stain. Women from around the State created beautiful quilts for the beds in the lodge. Two different people held toy showers to furnish the enclosed play area where smaller children can play while here. Every picture in the lodge, and there are many, has been donated.

Pat and Judy sit next to the waterfall in the Peace Garden.

But not everything has been a walk in the park. We had to deal with a planning and zoing issue that threatened to stop our opening. Yet, once again, after working through many, many details SAM’s application for our conditional use permit was approved.

Judy and I have also met with representatives from the four major children’s hospitals in the Twin Cities area, as well as many funeral directors and hospice care-givers. Obviously, these are key people in referring hurting moms and dads to SAM.

Now the doors of Whitetail Lodge are open. We have families signed up to come in June, and are doing all we can to get the word out regarding openings for families to come. Remember, if you have a friend or acquaintance that has lost a child we would encourage you to mention SAM to them. Help them contact us. The first call for help is often the hardest to make.

Judy and I want to specifically thank the many, many volunteers who have worked so hard to help make SAM the reality it is today. What was once a dream is now a reality. Moms and dads and surviving siblings are being helped because so many of you have joined our team. So on our third birthday, Judy and I want to send a heartfelt thank you to everyone who stands with us in helping hurting people. Your compassion IS making a difference in the lives of hurting people.

Well, that’s it for today. Remember, Judy and I love you guys.

Hi Everyone!

It’s been like, forever, since I’ve written. And for that Judy and I are sorry. There are reasons we can’t share for this down-time, but we are back now.

I’m sitting here watching the rain fall. Things have been incredibly dry here at Whitetail Lodge. We’ve missed most of the rain showers that others in Minnesota have been getting. And our trees LOVE it. Trees that looked like they only wanted to hold on to their buds are now turning leafy. It sure is nice to see green leaves covering our naked trees and brush.

I can’t help but think that Spring is one of those reasons we Minnesotans are willing to endure L-O-N-G cold winters. There is something special about seeing life just suddenly appear where it appears as though no life exists.

For those of us who have lost a child we know too well those feelings of despair and depression don’t we? After our Mickey died is seemed like we had entered into an eternal winter. Mickey’s beautiful life was replaced by a cold granite stone marking her grave in Roselawn Cemetery in Roseville.

If you’ve lost a child you know what we mean don’t you? It’s that aching feeling, like there is literally a piece of you missing. Judy and I actually experienced physical pain in our chests. We’re pretty sure there’s no scientific basis for a “broken heart,” but we know that broken hearts do exist.

If you’re reading this and your heart is broken, and you don’t think you can face another day, please email us or give us a call. We are here to help you in your journey through grief. By the way, this journey was never meant to be taken alone. So if you’re hurting, please reach out. If not to us, then to someone you know who is a good listener.

We are once again taking reservations for parents and surviving siblings to come to Whitetail Lodge for counseling and support. If you are interested in coming just go to the top of our home page and click on our registration tab. We would love to walk with you in your grief.

Well, it’s time to turn to other things. Know that we love you guys. God bless – Pat & Judy

Hi Everyone,

Well, we are in the middle of an “ice storm” here. Had to laugh when our dog Choco went running out of the doorway leading to our garage this morning and quickly began sliding across the walkway. But Choco wasn’t to be deterred. He did his best to run in place around the driveway until he realized that he wasn’t going to get anywhere. Oh he had motion, but he didn’t really have movement.

The storm and Choco’s response to it is a reminder that we’re simply not in control of everything that happens in life. We can go to bed looking out at a winter wonderland and wake up to an ice coated skating rink.

Change is definitely the norm when it comes to life isn’t it? Anyone who has had a child die knows that too well. In a moment, or possibly over a period of months, we see so many dreams and possibilities crumbling before our eyes, and we know that nothing will ever be the same again.

It’s how we deal with that change that determines our well being. That’s the challenge of grieving “well” isn’t it? Because our world is forever changed and there isn’t anything we can do about it but face that reality and begin to live in the present.

If there’s one thing we’ve learned since Mickey died it’s that life does change as surely as the sun comes up in the east every morning. I can choose to let my life spiral into morose despair. Or, I can choose to deal with the realities that change brings.

Judy and I have chosen to deal with the realities of change and to help others do the same.

If you’re suffering today because you have lost a child, please know that your pain is normal and real. And also know that one day your pain can change to hope and peace once again. That IS a change that renews our spirit and our love of life.

Well, I need to head out to see whether we’re going anywhere today? Had plans, but I’m pretty sure they have been changed. God bless, and remember we love you guys. Pat & Judy

Hi Everyone,

Well, another new year has begun. I have to admit I’m glad that every 365

days we get a chance to start all over again. A clean slate as it were. We ALL

need a slate cleaning moment from time to time don’t we?

For a grieving mom or dad or surviving sibling the new year can be filled with

so many emotions. Will 2010 be ANY better than 2009? Will this emptiness I

feel over the loss of my child ever be filled, or will this hole in my chest always

be seen and felt by me? Am I normal? Can I EVER feel joy again? Can I experience

that moment when I laugh out loud and not feel guilty over being happy?

Emotional roller coaster rides are a very real part of this thing we call “grief.”

If you are caught in the agonizing pain of the downward spiraling roller coaster

let me encourage you to take steps in 2010 that will help you get a healthy grip

on your emotions.

First of all, admit you have these emotions you’re feeling. We are amazed at

how many people seem to try to hide their emotions. Or they try to minimalize

them and the impact they definitely have on our lives. But hiding or minimalizing

our feelings and emotions almost always leads to deeper depression and struggles.

So if you’re feeling angry, or guilty, or frustrated, admit that out loud. Tell

someone else how you’re feeling. If the other “someone” is close to you, they

probably already know all about your feelings anyway. So tell someone. The only

way your emotions can control you is if you try to hide them from yourself and

others.

Next, be sure you’re talking to someone who will listen to your pain and accept

your struggles. Just like the old pop song goes, “We all need somebody to   l-e-a-n

on!” By the way, finding someone who can help you is a sign of health, not of

weakness. If you need to find a counselor who will listen, then find one. Don’t

feel like you have to do your journey through grief alone. Find someone and

LEAN on them!

One last thought for today – take a moment and remember one “happy” memory of

your child who has died. This will be difficult if your child was stillborn, but even then

mothers can tell you with a grin how their son or daughter used to kick and keep

them up at night. If your child was older chances are you have pictures of joyous

occasions when you and your child laughed out loud. Take a moment to get a  picture

out and just remember the moment that picture records with a smile. It’s okay to

smile by the way.

It’s a NEW year! One that is less than a week old. One that will hold new challenges

and adventures. Some struggles will naturally come your way. We all know that.

But take on those struggles and overcome them with hope and optimism. And

you will find that your hope and optimism will lead you once again to joy and

peace and even a desire to get out of that bed looking forward to what the new

day has to offer.

Well, I’ve got to shovel snow off our deck. We have guests coming this weekend

and I don’t think they’ll want to do it. May your New Year be filled with God’s

blessings. Remember, we love you guys. Stay warm! Pat & Judy

Hi Everyone,

One of the traditions that Judy and I like to continue at Christmas time is watching White Christmas with Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye. And of course, the story-line asks the question, “Will there be snow for Christmas?”

Well, we can tell you that we definitely had snow for our Christmas. By the time the snow was done yesterday (Sunday) we had 13-14 inches. And the results were breath-taking! The last two days of our great winter storm dropped snow that was moist and so the result was trees and buildings flocked with snow. Below are a few pics of the beauty we’re looking at now.

Here's Itchy and her tribe eating at the feeder we've set up for the deer and blue jays and squirrels. Itchy comes in at least twice a day to snack on the corn and whatever else she can find.

Our Peace garden is coated with snowy diamonds. It is so beautiful and peacful here.

Judy and I were excited to have our kids and grandkids here for Christmas. So much fun and energy. Actually, we’re in recovery mode today (Monday). The squeals of delight as grandkids opened presents made Christmas extra special. The sticky snow made building snowmen easy. I (Pat) got ambushed by my kids and grandkids as I came back from plowing our driveway with the 4-wheeler. While I was admiring the giant snowman my kids and grandkids – and yes, even Judy – pelted me with snowballs from behind trees. Lots of laughter and giggling going on as the grandkids threw snow in my direction.

Judy and I find ourselves blessed today. With kids and grandkids, and even in-laws celebrating Christmas with us, we had a delightful time. Too much food – now I’ll have to exercise off those added pounds. Wonderful game times and goofy stories.

Well, it’s time to head into town for mail and supplies. Trusting each of you has a blessed week as you head into the New Year. God bless – and remember we love you guys. Pat & Judy

Hi Everyone,

Judy and I want to take a moment to wish each of you a very Merry Christmas and a Blessed New Year.

Without a doubt, 2009 has been a year of incredible blessings for Judy and me and for Smile Again Ministries. When the year started Whitetail Lodge was barely an idea, let alone a reality.

But as we talked with people the concept of opening Whitetail Lodge this year became more then a dream.

Judy and I still smile as people ask us how we designed Whitetail Lodge. It all started with a pencil drawing on a napkin in the fellowship hall of a church. That drawing then went to someone who could create the idea on their computer. From the computer it went to specific specs. And then the building began.

Now we have an incredibly beautiful area where we can have families who have lost children come and relax in cozy and comfortable surroundings.

Whitetail Lodge is a reality because of God’s rich blessings, and because of those of you who have so faithfully given and supported our efforts here. So it is with hearts filled with joy and thanksgiving that we express our gratitude to the scores of “friends” who have made our dream a reality.

We so look forward to serving families in 2010. Remember, if you know of someone who has lost a child please refer them to our website. Better yet, help them make a call to us so we can begin helping them deal with their grief.

God bless everyone, and remember – we love you guys. Pat & Judy

Hi Everyone,

Well winter has come in like a storm this week. We woke up to 11 below zero temps today. Even for us hearty Minnesotans this is a shocker. We were fortunate not to have gotten all the snow that blanketed southern MN earlier this week. Actually, we just got a dusting of snow here.

Our eight pound dog, Choco, always likes to run out every morning to bark and let all the deer and squirrels in the woods know he is up and watching. Normally it’s a routine that includes running around the driveway and then down the side of the lodge and to the fire ring. But not today! He did his usual running like there’s no tomorrow as he sprinted out the door. But in a nano-second he was racing back inside. “Smart dog,” I told him as I shut the door.

Judy said, “It sure is beautiful out,” as we were talking before beginning our day. I couldn’t help but think, “Who but a true Minnesotan would look outside at the snow and wind and think, ‘It sure is beautiful out?’” But winter does hold a mysterious beauty all its own.

The ice on Pickerel Lake is growing thicker with each passing day. It shouldn’t be long before we can head out and do some ice fishing.

Well, I just had to tell ya it’s cold up here in the woods. But it’s beautiful too.

God bless everyone, and remember we love you guys. Don’t forget to let someone who’s grieving know you’re thinking of them today. Pat & Judy

Hi Everyone,

I was stunned today by word that a young man I had known several years

ago had died from cancer. Greg had been part of a church youth group in

one of the churches I have pastored over the years.

Greg’s death reminded me that we never really know how many years we

might have here on earth. This morning I was reading about a 12 year old

boy who died from complications resulting from the H1N1 virus. Here is this

smiling face full of hope and joy looking back at me from his obituary page.

Then there is the 17 year old high school student who was killed in an

automobile accident.

It is stories like these that drive Judy and me to continue reaching out to moms

and dads who have lost children just like these. We know from experience the

incredible depth of despair and hopelessness that follows such a death. It is

simply impossible to tell a parent who has not had a child die just how desperate

and hopeless these moments feel.

When Mickey died it literally felt like someone had reached into my chest and

ripped my heart out. In fact, there was actual pain in my chest. Other moms and

dads have told us the same thing happened to them when their child died.

I guess, I just want to remind everyone that if you have a friend or loved one who

has lost a child this past year, please reach out to them today. Give a call or drop a

note of encouragement in the mail. Your words and tears mean so much at this

time of the year.

God bless as you head through this week. Remember, we love you guys. Pat & Judy